Holiday Magazine: My Adolescent SSA Fantasy

Holiday Magazine: My Adolescent SSA Fantasy
Author: D.P., from Israel
(Posted May 2013)
Note From JONAH's Co-Directors:  This article is from a man who was able to understand an important message concerning his fantasies, dreams, and day-dreams, and how this particular childhood fantasy related to his unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA).  Since SSA usually starts in pre-adolescence or adolescence, these early fantasies can shed light on the essential nature of the displaced sexual attraction that is SSA.
An inner script often evolves which then takes over the normal psychosexual developmental process.  For those with unwanted SSA, there is a need to re-own the innate masculinity that is somehow projected onto other men early in life, and one needs to understand why these ideas and images became firmly ensconced in one's subconscious so he can move forward to reclaim his innate heterosexuality.
We honor the brave souls who share these personal and unique details of their journey out of unwanted homosexuality so that others may be helped to heal their emotional wounds and become the men and women that Hashem (G-d) intended them to be.
Holiday Magazine: My Adolescent SSA Fantasy
by D.P. from Israel
An early sexual or pre-sexual fantasy that I developed as a 10 year old child contributed to my early identification as "gay". At home, we used to get a travel magazine called “Holiday” and I recall especially one issue that featured an article about Southern California. There was a full page color photo of 3 heavily muscled and tanned men in bathing suits admiring themselves on a California beach.  I used to look at that page again and again and each time found my excitement rising. The picture excited me to the point that I developed a fantasy based on it.   When I consider that fantasy today, its symbolism seems amazingly obvious – something that I only realized many, many years later when thinking back on it. It also reveals how off-target my psycho-sexual state was by age 10. The fantasy went like this: 
There existed somewhere in my imagination a magical kingdom. And this kingdom had a ruling class that was composed of young, beautiful, powerful, muscular and masculine men, a sort of cadre of princes. These men were very sure of themselves and comfortable in their power and in their elite status.  In my day-dream, a very specific system produced these “princes.” At certain specified times, the princes would gather together in a room that contained a large machine. This machine had rubber tubes leading out of it. Each prince would take a tube, attach it to his sexual organ, and sit very casually, naked on a bar stool. They would talk and joke while they sat there. At the other end of the machine, there was another tube. This tube was attached to my sexual organ. The machine drew energy out of my sexual organ and transferred it to them, in other words, I pumped my masculinity into the princes on the other side of the machine. 
Looking back at this fantasy, I now understand very clearly the fantasy's significance --- I (and I believe many other SSA men) literally gave up my masculinity; this “displaced” masculinity became part of the fantasy figures of exaggerated maleness to which I was then enthralled and attracted.  I became excited and aroused by the very act of giving my masculinity over to them. I didn’t know how or why this happened, but the end result was that I “worshipped” and "idolized" these figures of confident, powerful men, who seemed to have something I did not.  
These princes--representing powerful images of men--did not even know that I existed; I was completely insignificant to them. They didn’t see me; they were simply Adonis's/supermen on the other side of the machine. They just knew that they, by nature of their superior status, somehow merited this duty paid to them by their vassals, of which I was one. My masculine existence was wiped out in the face of their perfection and power. I worshipped their power and my disempowerment, and found this scene (which I revisited often) very sexually arousing. 
What I missed as a child is the most important fact about this setup; it was a message I seemed to completely ignore: that the source of their power, strength, muscles, attitude and beauty was me! That’s what’s so amazingly obvious from the fantasy. I gave away my masculinity, my power, and my very self. I only became aware of this realization when I began doing the work to overcome my SSA. I recognized what was going on.  When I owned my power, my masculinity, and my feeling of belonging to the brotherhood of men as a totally equal member, then this fantasy lost its power over me and  my sexual excitement over the scene simply deflated. Whenever I feel strong and vital, and am able to stand in my own power, I cannot be disempowered nor do I want to be disempowered.  And it is this process of “re-owning” my innate, natural, G-d given masculinity that actually healed the desire to be emasculated by and subsumed by "Mr. America" or "Joe Adonis". 
Even as I recall this fantasy, I need to breathe deeply and feel the vitality of my body and my self, because after all these years, and after all the work that I have done, I still recognize the old tendency to relinquish my masculinity and to look for it in other men.  It most often occurs in times of emotional stress.  During such times, I may feel myself lapsing back into a feeling of inadequacy and believing I am "less than" other men. Then the tools I have learned from this work kick in. Once I re-solidify and re-own my inherent maleness, I no longer give away my power, and whatever SSA feelings may have emerged because of a psychic disempowerment simply dissipate.  Recognizing that I AM masculine enables me to abandon the psychic need to find masculinity in other men.  Standing in my own power as a man has become an essential part of the constant work that needs to be done in this healing process. Unlocking the meanings of this childhood fantasy helped give me the insight to overcome my SSA.