( Posted April 2012 )
[Introduction by JONAH Co-Directors: After "acting out" with another man and regretting his seemingly compulsive action, the author of this piece chose to pray for Heavenly assistance about his actions. After doing so, he penned the following piece about his conflicting emotions which we believe eloquently speaks for many facing similar challenges.]
The dreaded emptiness. The blah silence. The sadness which permeates the inner being. Why is there such a strong yet irrational sex drive that brings unnecessary, meaningless, dangerous, self-destructive behavior?
Empty, meaningless, definitely not life giving, not joyous, especially not after the fact of the committed act.
But the pull is constant. The pull towards nothingness, the pull towards waste, wasting the body, the soul, precious limited time on this earth.
It's clearly spiritual. A pull towards beautiful males, their souls shining through their bodies, the beautiful faces, the movements we see. An intense desire to know, to get to know, closeness, deep, intense connection. How does a desire to know, to unite, translate into a sex drive? How do we end up doing the irrational, the chaotic, the unthinkable, the dark actions of lust gone amuck?
Religious conviction, faith, logic, morality, ethics, all go out the window at the moment of lust. Overcome with a totalitarian, dictatorial desire, the mind shuts off to everything else. Consequences we believe in are mentally discarded.
The act is done. Rationality sets in. Remorse. Repentance. Regret. An aura of sadness. Momentary, temporary, until the next wave of desire sets in. The unquenchable eternal thirst for closeness, connection, fueled by deep attraction. Purple attraction. Erotic attraction. Ever so attached to the unknown spiritual pull towards the attractive, the sexy, the cute, the young, the fit, the hot. And yet, the beauty is clearly not just physical, not just skin deep or muscle deep, or eyes and smile deep.
How to harness this overpowering energy in a useful, productive, joyous, kosher way? How to not turn away to loneliness or to dull relationships and unattractive, boring connections, to lifelessness? How to unplug from the explosive energy that leads to the act that leads to emptiness and nothingness and wasted life? How to pursue the explosive energy without falling into the same pitfalls of sin, leading to blah silence and sadness and nothingness?
How to act wisely, productively, sincerely, righteously? In a world of overwhelming explosive possibilities and opportunities waiting to be had. How do I break free of the addiction, the cycle of repentance and sin, repentance and sin?